I was told this story by a friend of a friend. Which as far as I’m concerned means it’s far enough removed that I can pass it on with names and details changed.
“So Paula, that’s my housemate, has been seeing this guy Rick for a couple of weeks. We’ve met him before, out drinking and that time at the park, he seemed OK. But last Saturday he stayed over at ours for the first time.
“Now Rick works at a restaurant, so his day doesn’t start until the afternoon. So Paula asked me and Jenn if it was OK with us if Rick stayed at the house, alone, until he had to go to work at about noon. We all leave for work between seven and eight.
“So Paula’s a sensible girl, for the most part. If she’s asking then she’s already decided she doesn’t think Rick is going to run away with all our shit, so Jenn and I are like ‘Yea, of course, whatever, no problem’.
“But I got home yesterday evening… I’d had a pretty shit day, so I went to the kitchen and straight for one of the chocolate chip muffins by the kettle. Gone. Just a single blueberry muffin left – there were at least four muffins there last night and the girls aren’t exactly muffin monsters.
“I asked them later. Jenn took one to work, but Paula didn’t have one. Which means two went walking.
“The plot thickened when I went into the bathroom. We only have one bathroom between the three of us. Four, if you include Rick.
“There were crumbs on the floor in front of the toilet! Muffin crumbs. And a muffin wrapper in the bin basket under the sink! There’s no doubt about it, Rick was sitting on the toilet, our lovely girly toilet, eating a muffin while doing his nasty business.
“I was disgusted. That’s disgusting right?”
In terms of what I was expecting, no, I couldn’t agree that was disgusting. But Jess had just told us this whole story and was clearly invested in the climax and us all agreeing it was, in fact disgusting.
However, when you’ve known a girl as long as I’ve known Jess, and (more importantly) you know she’ll forgive you, and (most importantly) you’re not trying to impress her or get her into bed with you, you get to actually say what you think.
“OK, he’s done two things wrong there. One: He’s taken a muffin, two muffins, that weren’t his, in a situation where two missing muffins would be obvious. And two: he’s left a mess on the floor.
“But there’s nothing wrong with eating a muffin while sitting on the throne.”
I’m sorry, I can’t condemn eating in the bathroom. It seems perfectly fine from a hygiene point of view, and it actually sounds like a good idea both for when you’re in a rush and also when you’re in no rush at all.
Not everyone sees it this way, however. So be smart if you’re going to do it. Not like Rick.