The Alternative Super Rugby Review | Week 13

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were shit.

Chiefs v Force

Sky Sports received 17,436 complaints after referee Mike Fraser repeatedly shouted “Sex!” during the live broadcast. Sky replied: “Mike is from New Zealand, that’s just how he says the number after five.”


As alluded to previouslyIan Jones doesn’t have a good voice for rugby commentary. Figure skating commentary, maybe. Or reality fashion TV. But not rugby.

Aaron Cruden gave up a ball when he beat testicular cancer in 2008. That’s irrelevant, but it leads nicely into this quote from Scott Dann, who described a ruptured testicle as “…more painful than it sounds.”

Reds v Sharks

The Sharks are a touring tragedy of Shakespearean proportions at the moment. I actually feel sorry for their fans, and that’s a difficult thing for a Stormers supporter to say.


Cheetahs v Hurricanes

“First blood to the Cheetahs,” said Bladen. Except for the three penalties the Hurricanes had already scored, of course. So, fourth blood, really.

I accept that commentary is quite difficult, but my recommendation would be to know how you’re going to end a sentence before you start it. Brosnihan, I’m talking to you.

Super Sarel’s first three minutes included having Beauden Barrett run over him to score and Julian Savea run around him, also to score. Not so super.

Jack Lam was to Coenie Oosthuizen as a bug is to a windscreen. A truck’s windscreen. A big fucking truck’s windscreen. That was a brutal hit in the first half. Brutal.


I’m late to the Willie le Roux love party, but his anticipation is admittedly impressive. He still kicks more than I’d like, and tries for too many intercepts, and can’t tackle very well… But he’s dangerous, and that’s fun to watch.

Waratahs v Stormers

First there was Israel Dagg, now there’s Israel Folau. Given all the historical conflict in the Middle East, I think it’s time we saw a Super Rugby player named Palestine.

This season I have watched the Stormers out of loyalty and in hope, both misguided, but I have had enough. With apologies to Alternative Super Rugby Review readers, yes both of you, I will not watch another Stormers game this season.

Kings v Highlanders

Never offer Hosea Gear a front-on tackle. I would’ve thought this much was obvious, but Ronnie Cooke found out the now-you’ll-never-forget way.

There was a break in play as Fumiaki Tanaka came on to become the first Japanese man to play Super Rugby. And the stadium speakers played Gangnam Style. Classy.


Jason Jaftha blows a long whistle when he’s angry. One blast was timed at 14 seconds, during which time everybody watching decided he is an idiot.

Colin Slade has the worst kicking record among regular goal kickers this year. On current form, he couldn’t kick his flip-flops off on a sweaty day.

One doesn’t like to play on negative stereotypes, so when Nicolás Vergallo kicked out at Shaun Treeby as he went over to score I definitely didn’t call him a dirty little footballer.


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