The Alternative Super Rugby Review | Week 15

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were shit.

Chiefs v Crusaders

Wyatt Crockett has the best cowboy name in rugby. I’ll be disappointed if he doesn’t own a six-shooter and say things like ‘Howdy Pardner’.

What were they thinking? Every ginger person knows that red and orange clash beyond powerful redemption. It wasn’t a great game to watch, but it was made harder by the colours.

red-orange

This weeks’s terrifying fact: Dan Carter is in bad form. Properly bad form. Like Elton Jantjies bad form.

They need to change this rolling, driving maul rule. We’re used to South African sides doing it, but when New Zealand teams start kicking penalties to the corners you know the game is heading in the wrong direction.

Steve Walsh awarded a free kick or penalty at six of the first seven scrums he set, and then decided to try explain the rules to the front rows. It was like listening to Paris Hilton trying to explain the LBW rule.

Ben Tameifuna looks like a yokozuna, and he must’ve felt like one when he sumo-wrestled Ryan Crotty off the ball in the second half.

ben-sumo

Statistically Zac Guildford has the worst pass in Super Rugby. A pass completion rate of 17% puts him below Jannie du Plessis, Bryan Habana and Elton Jantjies.

Rebels v Waratahs

Referee Garratt Williamson carried Ref Cam around for 80 minutes and we saw about 21 seconds of footage. That’s 21 seconds too many if you ask me, and hopefully the good people at Sky recognise how much money they’re wasting.

Blues v Brumbies

I know why the All Blacks keep selecting Piri Weepu – to lead the Haka, obviously – but I have no idea why the Blues keep picking him.

weepu

Great stat from a disgruntled commentator in the 77th minute: “We’ve had 20 minutes of scrums so far,” he said. I don’t have anything clever or funny to say about that, but it’s probably a bit much that we spend a quarter of the game collapsing and resetting scrums.

Force v Highlanders

He’s played more than 70 times for the All Blacks and made more than 130 Super Rugby appearances, but Ma’a Nonu has never been in worse form. If you believe in this sort of thing, there might be something to the fact that “maa nonu” means “washed up” in Finnish.

I love Highlanders fans. Dunedin is a little university town at the end of the earth, so it’s not surprising you find a few characters there, but the guy in this very short video clip, well, yes, I think he’s doing a little Kenny Powers air-wank with his blow-up sword.

Ben Smith is a victim of his own boring name. Guys like Israel Dagg, Sitiveni Sivivatu and Joe Rokocoko get recognised because their names are exhilarating and fun to say, but Ben Smith has to let his rugby do all the talking because his name is boring as shit.

Kings v Cheetahs

Willie le Roux watch (first 20 minutes): catch and bad chip-kick, catch and bad grubber, catch and pass, knock-on, catch and throw into touch. The guy’s a loose cannon, an exciting loose cannon, but people need to see the bad as well as the good.

Willie le Roux watch (second 20 minutes): sniping run but tackled, clever chip but bounced the wrong way, great outside break and offload for the try. Even I have to admit it’s impressive when it works.

willieleroux

Willie le Roux watch (third 20 minutes): couple of unsuccessful chip-kicks, a not-entirely-on-purpose but effective bounce pass to Sadie for his second try, a Hail Mary pass to Rhule and a hospital one to Ebersohn.

Willie le Roux watch (fourth 20 minutes): surprised everyone by actually being out on his wing to run in a simple try, pulled a hamstring doing it and went off for a rest. Overall I’d have to score him an 8/10 and admit he didn’t make as many mistakes as he sometimes does.

Hennie Daniller is actually a big man. He’s 6 ft 4, weighs 101kg and plays fullback, but the most incredible thing about him is that he has never broken a tackle in his life.

Stormers v Reds

With apologies to anyone who was looking forward to the lighter side of this contest, my boycott of Stormers games continues.

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