This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were shit.
Crusaders v Waratahs
This was the first time all season – some say ever – that the Crusaders ran on with just one Whitelock in their starting 15. And it was George, unfortunately (he’s probably the worst).
I’m not sure it’s a great idea having two players named Israel in the same match. For the sake of peace in the Middle East, it might be better if one of them was called Palestine.
The clock said 74:24 when Glen Jackson awarded the Waratahs a scrum. They crouched, touched and set, and it collapsed. So did the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh. At which point, 79:27, Jackson awarded a penalty. I want my 5 minutes and 3 seconds back.
Brumbies v Hurricanes
Jake White’s rugby manual says two things: you don’t need a fetcher and your number nine must kick like a god. Well, Nic White is probably the best kicking scrumhalf in Super Rugby. And yes David Pocock and George Smith play in Canberra, but they’re injured.
I don’t know which is more frightening at full speed: a rhino, a train, or Julian Savea. But I think it’s Julian Savea.
Brumbies captain Ben Mowen looks like how Shane Watson would look in a scrum cap. Sorry Ben, you might be a nice guy, but I hate anything that reminds me of Twatto.
Highlanders v Blues
That first half hour was the best rugby the Highlanders have played all season. Is it any coincidence that Ma’a Nonu was sitting safely on the bench during that time?
Ali Williams has turned into a grumpy old man. All he does is complain to the referee, shake his head and pick fights with the opposition. But Ali, don’t pick a fight with 5 ft 5 and 75kg Fumiaki Tanaka… He might just kick your ass.
Reds v Rebels
Reds flank Beau Robinson has been honoured by his fellow professionals, being named most unfortunate looking guy in Australian rugby. Runner-up Quade Cooper was gracious in defeat, saying “He works hard at it, he deserves all the sympathy he gets.”
Referees are not enforcing the offside line and it’s ruining rugby. It’s leading to fewer line-breaks, fewer passes past the first receiver, and more charge downs. Although I don’t mind the charge downs so much when they happen to Quade.
I like Ref Cam like a chubby kid likes spinach, but I like it even less when all it does is show me close-ups of Scott Higginbotham’s moustache.
It looks like the Reds let a group of kids design their kit this week. A group of colour-blind, ADHD, special needs kids.
Rebels captain Scott Higginbotham and referee James Leckie have been called before the International Human Rights Commission to explain why they subjected us to nine consecutive minutes of scrum-collapse-penalty-scrum-collapse-penalty-scrum in the first half.
Stormers v Southern Kings
I was tempted to watch this one, despite my boycott on Stormers games, but when I saw the conditions at Newlands I figured there was zero chance of this being fun.
But before I turned it off I heard the commentators pronounce Stormers scrumhalf Louis Schreuder’s name three different ways: Shroyder, Skreeder, and Shrearder. It was like listening to an Australian try get his tongue around “van der Westhuizen”.
Cheetahs v Bulls
If you think Justin Bieber has a fanatical following, you should see some of the Internet love that Willie le Roux gets on rugby sites and online forums. Although, to be fair, the Bieb’s “Baby” video has about 862 million more views than this Willie le Roux tribute.
Pierre Spies and Hennie Daniller play rugby like much smaller men than they actually are. In fact, despite their size, they’re the only two players in Super Rugby who have not broken a single tackle all season.
*That thing in my tweet, about all those celebrities saying this was my best Review yet, I’m afraid I made that up. Sorry. Please don’t sue me.