*Not a real interview. In fact, entirely made up by me.
South Africa played and beat Scotland on Saturday 15 June. I wish I’d interviewed captain Jean de Villiers and coach Heyneke Meyer after the match, but I didn’t. So I made it up.
Starring: Fake Jean de Villiers (JdV), Fake Heyneke Meyer (HM) and Andrew Murison (AM)
AM: Congratulations, you must be pleased with the result.
HM: We won, so yes I’m pleased. But we should’ve smoked them like a snoek by 60 points.
AM: I see, so were you surprised by how well Scotland played?
HM: Nee, kak man, they didn’t play well, they played dirty. They cheated in the scrums, they cheated in the lineouts and they cheated at the breakdowns. I had to check my bank account after the game in case they cheated me there too.
AM: Cheating is a strong word, isn’t it Jean?
JdV: It’s not strong enough. They made Richie McCaw look like an angel. Their plan was to break the rules and hope for the best.
AM: But isn’t it the ref’s job to enforce the rules?
HM: Maybe being a cheetah is OK if you’re from Bloem, but where I come from you play according to the spirit and rules of the game or you piss off and be a poes somewhere else.
AM: Are you disappointed with how the team responded to the Scottish challenge?
HM: On the country (sic), I’m proud of the manne for maintaining their discipline. Jislaaik, even I wanted to bliksem that Strokosch oke, but luckily I tripped over Pierre Spies’ body-sculpting machine when I tried to streak onto the field to klap him with an Energade bottle.
AM: Jim Hamilton’s yellow card was a bit harsh, don’t you think?
JdV: No, not at all. Jim was lucky in my opinion.
AM: Really? It was just a gentle push with an open palm.
JdV: He shoved his hand into Eben’s face, unprovoked. And you’ve got to make an effort to reach Eben’s face! It was calculated, cynical and violent, he was lucky it was yellow.
HM: Did you check the look on Eben’s face after Hamilton tried to finger his eyeballs? Fok I wouldn’t want to make Eben into that mood. Hamilton was lucky he didn’t get killed.
AM: What do you expect from Samoa next week?
HM: It should be a good game. Those okes aren’t so lekker on the rules of tackling but they don’t waste time practising cheating. They play hard, but fair. Except for the tackling.
AM: Do you anticipate making many changes to the side?
HM: The party’s over for the lighties. Every oke and his pooch knows you pick the biggest, heaviest manne to play Samoa. Willem Alberts and Zane Kirchner will come in, obviously, and I’m hoping to get Bakkies and Danie Rossouw back to beef up the centres a bit.
HM: Ag you’re better on the wing anyway.
AM: Siya Kolisi was outstanding on debut, albeit in unfortunate circumstances. Will he start, do you think?
HM: It’s tough, you know. Who must I leave out? Francois Louw is already gatvol of being married, so he has to play; I just love watching Marcell Coetzee run around the field, he reminds me of a bottle of Coke if you shake it up, sommer all over the place; and Pierre Spies is probably the best rugby player in the world.
AM: Pierre Spies is the best what in the what?
HM: The oke is a machine. I watch him at training on the bench press, and with the bicep curls, and the vertical jumps, and the pull-ups, and the leg press, and the calf lifts, and the planks. Have you seen his workout video on YouTube? It’s beautiful.
AM: This is rugby, not a competition to see who can be the best at exercising.
JdV: Look, it doesn’t matter that Siya Kolisi played better in 76 minutes than Pierre Spies has played in his 52 Springbok games combined. Coach made a couple of bad decisions a few years ago, and Pierre has the photos to prove it.
This interview was made up entirely by me, and contains no word of the truth except perhaps by accident.