The Alternative Super Rugby Review | Week 18

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

Highlanders v Crusaders

I can’t believe there isn’t a better kicker than Colin Slade in the Highlanders squad. His success rate is 62.5%, which makes him the 37th best kicker in Super Rugby.

I’ve given Ma’a Nonu a hard time all season, and he’s deserved it. So I wasn’t surprised when the Highlanders played a very good first half while Nonu sat on the bench.

Then within four seconds of coming on in the second half Nonu’s kick was charged down and Colin Slade (of all people) had to save his dreads by dotting the ball down first.


Then Nonu was sent off for driving Tom Marshall’s head into the ground. What an idiot.

Dan Carter has the best hand-off in rugby. It’s strong and accurate and little Fumiaki Tanaka did well to only end up on his ass a few metres back when Carter fended him off.

Sharks v Blues

If I ever find out whose idea it was to let Owen Nkumane interview Kevin Mealamu I will make him or her listen to that interview over and over and over again. Because a painful death would be a blessing in comparison.

After losing his shirt in a tackle, Jean Deysel has been invited to pose nude alongside Gary Player in ESPN The Magazine’s annual Body Issue.


When Player heard the news he immediately called Deysel and challenged the big man to a one-arm push-up competition, before casually mentioning that his organisation helps 5000 black children every minute.

Bulls v Kings

Pierre Spies didn’t play due to injury (a torn bicep from doing too many bicep curls) but according to Heyneke Meyer’s stats guy he still made 29 tackles, cleaned out 45 rucks and made 563 running metres in the first half.

Stormers v Cheetahs

I don’t watch Stormers games any more, on principle, but I’m pleased to read that they played well. Buy a proper scrumhalf (and flyhalf) and maybe I’ll be a fan again next season.

Australia v Lions

I’ve been surprised by how close this series has been, the Lions should be romping home every week against a disorganised, injury-struck, average Australian team.


Imagine if a Tri-Nations team toured the UK. Sh1t, if a combined Sanzar XV played Scotland you’d need a bigger scoreboard.

Commentator Miles Harrison has taken hyperbole too far. “That was one of the great Lions tries!”, “That was one of the greatest tackles in Lions history!” and “That conversion by Lealiifano was the greatest kick ever by anyone, in all sports and of all time!”


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