The Alternative Super Rugby Review | Week 19

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

Crusaders v Chiefs

If you listen closely, you can hear the other commentators laughing every time Ian Jones picks up the microphone to say something in that ridiculous voice of his.

For fear of summoning it back from Hell I dare not say its name, but it looks like they’ve ditched that camera that the referees were wearing earlier in the season. Lesson learned?

Israel Dagg played probably his best game of the season, and it’s thrilling to watch him in top form, but he’s still not even the best guy named Israel in Super Rugby.


Hurricanes v Highlanders

This is my favourite NZ fixture: plenty of attacking players – Gear, Savea, Leiua, Poki, and Ben, Conrad and Aaron Smith – and a couple of leaky defences. And it didn’t disappoint.

Colin Slade actually played and even kicked well. I guess when the season is this long (this was week 19 of 23) there’s a statistical chance that a miracle will happen.

The Highlanders play so much better without Ma’a Nonu. Do everyone a favour and sell him to Japan as quickly as possible.

For the first time in a long time, and for no reason that I can figure, Ben Smith lived up to his boring name and went almost completely unnoticed in this high-scoring game.

Australia v Lions

Some of the player profile pics have been hilarious throughout this series, especially from the Australians. Berrick Barnes looks every inch the 1970s p0rn star, while James O’Connor looks like he’d make a pretty lesbian.

barnes oconnor

Commentator Miles Harrison has graduated to unbearable this series. It’s almost impossible to imagine that he lasted the entire 80 minutes without at least one hyperbole-induced sexual climax all over the commentary box.

Cheetahs v Blues

I’ve sent an official complaint to Supersport and I hope whoever decided to leave Owen Nkumane and Warren Brosnihan alone in the commentary box together gets sacked.

Dear Supersport,

Re: Cheetahs v Blues, 6 July 2013

With respect, I find it unacceptable that you would subject our ears to Nkumane and Brosnihan together. A pair of bleating goats would be less irritating and probably talk more sense.

My Bleeding Ears

I sent this to and I think you should too.

Ligtoring Landman had his try rightfully disallowed, but not before he had celebrated in memorable style. After running it in from 20m the “lighthouse” lock placed the ball on the ground and started it up like a lawnmower. As you do.

This was the Cheetahs’ last home game of what will be their best ever season. They play attractive, attacking rugby and probably have the best dancing girls in the competition. So why was the stadium so empty? For shame, Bloemfontein, for shame.

empty seats

Kings v Stormers

I saw glimpses of this, despite my self-imposed boycott on Stormers rugby. And it struck me that Elton Jantjies must be the worst signing by a Western Cape side since Carlisle Best played a season for WP in 1993/94.

Bulls v Sharks

Describing a tackle, Joel Stransky called Francois Hougaard “a flying bullet”. Given Hougie’s connections to a certain high-profile murder trial, I think he could’ve chosen better words.

Also, I don’t think you can call a scrumhalf “a flying bullet” if he’s going to be out-sprinted by Franco van der Merwe a minute later.

Pat Lambie has forgotten how to kick. I think puberty may finally have hit and all those new hormones are messing with his usual precision and poise.


I’ve given referee Jason Jaftha a hard time in the past, but the teenager took being run over by Cobus Reinach pretty well.

Jono Ross doesn’t sound like a Bulls loose forward. He sounds like a UCT club cricketer who can down a beer in 2.7 seconds after a long day in the field.


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