Her Majesty the Queen met the English and Australian players before the start of the second Ashes Test. Here are some of the (made-up) conversations that weren’t heard.*
MCC President Mike Griffith introduced Her Majesty to England Captain Alastair Cook, after apologising on behalf of the England team for the slight delay. “James Anderson had to carry Stuart Broad onto the field,” he said, “because Broad refused to walk.”
Alastair Cook: Good morning Your Majesty.
Queen Elizabeth: It will be if you win the toss and bat, my boy. The pitch looks flatter than Catherine’s chest before Wills knocked her up.
Alastair Cook: Of course, ma’am.
Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Joe Root.
Queen Elizabeth: Good heavens, child, shouldn’t you be in school? Did you win a competition to be here today?
Joe Root: Forgive me ma’am, no. I’m part of the team. I’m 22.
Queen Elizabeth: Yes, well, just be careful – One has endured more scandals involving men playing with boys than One cares to forget.
Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Jonathan Trott.
Queen Elizabeth: Ah yes, Mr Reliable. But listen here, One isn’t getting any younger, so wouldn’t you be a good import and speed up your scoring rate? One would be much obliged.
Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Kevin Pietersen.
Queen Elizabeth: Ah yes, how could One forget the party that night you lot got your MBEs.
Kevin Pietersen: Funny, I don’t remember that night at all.
Queen Elizabeth: Yes, very funny. Just be sure to score some runs today dear, else One might tear up that British passport you’re so happy with and send you back to Africa.
Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Ian Bell.
Queen Elizabeth: Not interested.
Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Johnny Bairstow.
Queen Elizabeth: Good Lord, you gave One a fright with that orange hair! One thought you were Harry for a second, but to be honest you look more like Fergie.
Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Matt Prior.
Queen Elizabeth: You’re also originally from my African Republic aren’t you?
Matt Prior: Yes ma’am, I was born in South Africa, but I’ve lived in Britain since I was 11.
Queen Elizabeth: Well done. I say, [turning to Cook] his head looks upside down, don’t you think, with all his hair on his chin and none on top? Very odd, these savages.
Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Tim Bresnan.
Queen Elizabeth: How do you do. [To Cook] He looks boring, who’s next?
Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Stuart Broad.
Queen Elizabeth: Oh dear, they do like to make fun of you, don’t they.
[Broad sniffles, nods]
Queen Elizabeth: Do you think it’s because you’re such a little b1tch?
[Broad starts crying]
Queen Elizabeth: If it makes you feel better, my son Charles is a big fan of yours.
[Broad perks up, hopefully]
Queen Elizabeth: But that’s hardly surprising. I remember even as a child he used to love playing with his sister’s Barbies.
Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Graeme Swann.
Queen Elizabeth: The DoE asked me to remind you that One owns all the swans in Britain, so if he fancies it you’ll be summoned to bowl at him in the Royal nets until he’s had enough.
Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Jimmy Anderson.
Queen Elizabeth: They say you’re a bit of a hero these days, and a nice guy to boot.
Jimmy Anderson: Thank you ma’am.
Queen Elizabeth: They said the same thing about another Jimmy I used to know. He also knew a bit about swinging balls and Nick’s behind… One will be watching you closely.
Continue reading for the Queen’s conversations with the Australians.
What the Queen said to the cricketers at Lord’s (cont.)
Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, this is Michael Clarke, the captain of the barbarian hordes.
Queen Elizabeth: Now now, that won’t be necessary Mr Cook. Mr Clarke and his men have had a difficult time of late and it would be my pleasure to meet them [under her breath to Cook] and rub their faces in it.
Michael Clarke: Thank you your Majesty.
Queen Elizabeth: You’re welcome. Now, who do we have here?
Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Chris Rogers.
Queen Elizabeth: I say, haven’t we met before? Yes, I’m positive you were playing in a match One attended in 1971. Though One must admit you have aged rather well. You don’t look a day over 55.
Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Shane Watson.
Queen Elizabeth: Hello son. [Speaks very slowly] It’s very important to do your homework and not fight with the other boys. And remember, there’s no I in team, but there is one in malignant tumour.
Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Usman Khawaja.
Queen Elizabeth: The DoE said to tell you that he greatly enjoyed your TV show. One thinks he had the hots for your grandmother, Ummi.
Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Phillip Hughes.
Queen Elizabeth: My husband’s name is Philip. Do you also say some silly things sometimes? [Looks across to Steve Smith, who can’t stop moving.]
Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Steven Smith.
Queen Elizabeth: Good heavens, stop bouncing around child, you’ll tire yourself and One out with all that energy.
Steven Smith: Sorry, I’m sorry Mrs Queen, sorry, Your Majesty, sorry. This is very exciting.
Queen Elizabeth: Yes, quite, for us both I’m sure. [To Clarke] I’ll have my Royal doctor prescribe something for this one, along the lines of what we slip in their drinks when the Middletons come for supper.
Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Brad Haddin.
Queen Elizabeth: What silly gloves you have. [To Clarke] Who’s next?
Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Ashton Agar.
Queen Elizabeth: You remind One of that child from Third Rock From The Sun. Joseph Gordon Leviticus or some silly American name like that.
Ashton Agar: Thank you, ma’am.
Queen Elizabeth: It wasn’t a compliment, dear. One hated that show.
Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Peter Siddle.
Queen Elizabeth: One has always had the utmost respect for vegetarians, but I must tell you I organised a purely vegan menu for my grandson’s wedding and that was a tremendously dull party.
Peter Siddle: I’m sorry ma’am.
Queen Elizabeth: No matter, things livened up at the after party when the DoE started doing shots with Harry and some American friends of his.
Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, James Pattinson.
Queen Elizabeth: One heard a rumour that you turned down the chance to play for England like your brother. Is that so?
James Pattinson: Yes ma’am.
Queen Elizabeth: Given the result in the first test, and the turmoil in your camp, and this beautiful weather, One bets you’re feeling rather stupid about that decision right now.
Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Ryan Harris.
Queen Elizabeth: Ah yes, One was hoping to meet you after One read that we have something in common.
Ryan Harris: That’s very kind Ma’am, and what is that?
Queen Elizabeth: Apparently we both have the knees and hips of an 87-year-old woman.
These conversations were made up entirely by me, and contain no word of the truth except perhaps by accident.
* They didn’t really happen. I made it all up, obviously. Just for fun.