The Alternative Rugby Review | 7 September 2013

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

Rugby Championship | New Zealand v Argentina

At the setting of the first scrum, the TV told us that New Zealand’s pack weighed 922kg and Argentina’s only 858kg. That’s a whole Gio Aplon difference. But El Bajada proceeded to shunt the All Black pack into their own boots because fatties don’t scrum so good.

The Argentinian scrum has never bothered with something so silly as hooking the ball. They just think “the ball comes in and we walk forward until it comes neatly out the back”. Of course they think it in Spanish.

bajada

Francis Saili c0cked up single-handedly to give Argentina their opening try. The only consolation that I can offer him is that somehow – I don’t know how, but somehow – Ma’a Nonu would’ve c0cked it up worse.

Despite what you’ve heard, Sonny Bill Williams isn’t playing rugby league for the Sydney Roosters in Australia. He’s actually still playing rugby union for New Zealand, at number eight, wearing a Kieran Read mask.

Dan Carter broke the line cleaner than Charlie Faumuina’s plate at Christmas time, but he only had the same Faumuina for support. For about three metres, before the big guy had to stop for a rest and a snack. Fatties are no better at running than scrumming.

charlie

You’ve got to love Juan Martín Hernández throwing a 20 metre pass one-handed, when under pressure in his own 22. Against New Zealand, in the rain. I guess that’s part of why they call him El Mago. (It doesn’t mean “stupid”, but maybe it should.)

The only way I’d expect Nicolás Sánchez to knock Wyatt Crockett to the floor would be with a six-shooter at high noon in the wild west. But the little flyhalf somehow managed to bounce Crockett in a fashion more befitting a rag doll cowboy than a burly New Zealand prop.

crockett

When Crockett went down one of the commentators observed that his legs had turned to jelly. What he didn’t notice, and what almost certainly didn’t help Crockett against falling over, was that as soon as his legs became pudding they were eaten by Charlie Faumuina.

Argentinian flank and captain Juan Martín Fernández Lobbe is a fine player, but he’s also a victim of patronising commentators who (like with Sergio Parisse) insist on swooning over how world class he is (implying that the rest of his side is not).

It’s unfair and it’s unfair on Fernández Lobbe, because he’s not actually that good. He wouldn’t make the New Zealand side, for a start. Nor the South African. He might start for Australia, given their injuries at the moment. But then I’d pick any of the loose forwards in the Grey Bloem first and second side ahead of Scott Fardy.

What the he1l was Luis Figo doing in the Argentinian coaches box?

luisfigo

Rugby Championship | Australia v South Africa

Advance Australia Fair hasn’t been sung worse than that since it was performed by Indecent Obsession in the late 1980s.*

obsession

It didn’t take long before both teams realised that George Clancy likes penalties. It was classic “stamp my authority on the game” stuff, which is about as insecure as a squeaky-voiced teenager with acne and bright orange hair.

From a kick off, James O’Connor tried to do that thing where you catch the ball with a foot in touch which means the kick was effectively directly out. But he mistimed it and put his foot out after catching the ball, which means it should’ve been South Africa’s lineout.

The ref and his assistant had already made the decision, so I bet they felt pretty stupid when the evidence was replayed on the big screen.

facepalm

Luckily referee Clancy had awarded Australia a scrum, so he could very easily give South Africa a free kick for [make up and insert any reason here] to, you know, make things right. Which he did.

I didn’t think much of the way the Australian fans rang out a chorus of “Bullsh1t, bullsh1t, bullsh1t” while Morne Steyn lined up the penalty that came from Michael Hooper’s (entirely warranted) yellow card. You stay classy, Brisbane.

Eben Etzebeth got an early birthday present when he got hold of Quade Cooper midway between Quade having the ball and Quade passing it, which meant he was completely within his rights to sling rugby’s most hated man to the ground like a rag doll cowgirl .

cooperjessie

Rod Kafer needs to be careful screaming things like, “Give it to Israel!” What sounds like an innocent (albeit anguished) piece of rugby advice to one set of ears could quite easily come across as inciting political violence to another.

Kafe continued his line of potentially risky political commentary by calling for the Aussies to run that famous German backline move, “Putting the ball through the Hans”. It sounds like “hands” when Kafe says it.

rodkafer

What the c0ck was Niknaks doing diving in for his try like that. I would’ve gone ghost pops on him if he’d spilled the ball on landing or had it knocked out of his hands by either of the Australians trying to do just that.

Kirchner got his try (though he tried very hard not to) off what by my count is Willie le Roux’s seventh direct pass assist. Also by my count, that already makes him the most prolific pass assist Springbok of all time after only six Tests.

So shell-shocked were the usually parochial Australian commentators, that they appeared to call time of death on this game after about 68 minutes.

timeofdeath

As a South African fan who has endured getting more than one victory stuck in my throat, I didn’t pay my respects until the 80 minutes were up, but I thoroughly enjoyed the disconsolate commentary of the last 12 minutes.

*This report has discovered previously that the Australian anthem was originally written as a pop song for a girl group, but Indecent Obsession’s cover in 1989 was called the worst thing to happen to music until The Kings of Leon’s “early stuff”.

Currie Cup | Griquas v Golden Lions

We’re halfway through the season and we have our first candidate for token crazy beard guy. I can’t find any photographic evidence yet, but if he keeps it up then Golden Lions scrumhalf Tian Meyer (and his beard) will be all over the Internet by the end of the year.

We’ve already found our token crazy hair guy.

I’ll be disappointed if Griquas centre Jean Stemmet doesn’t get a lot of kak from his teammates about his dad, who I presume is Johan Stemmet from the popular Afrikaans music game show Noot vir Noot.

nootvirnoot

Anthony Volmink went over in the corner in exactly the same way that Mark Cueto went into touch in the 2007 Rugby World Cup final, except referee Jason Jaftha and his assistant forgot about technology and awarded the blatantly un-try-like try.

Hugh Bladen has entertained us over the years, oh yes he has. And he’s still got it. Here are some actual comments from him from Saturday:

“Elton Jantjies is lying very flat and deep.”

“You have to be careful when the ball hits the ground, it can bounce.”

“Another fantastic no he’s missed it.”

Gcobani Bobo wasn’t doing much better, unfortunately. Not only did he describe Marnitz Boshoff as “as calm as a cucumber”, but his interview with JP Nel was as painful as a Kimberley grass burn.

Griquas fullback PJ Vermeulen is the most surprisingly very fast big guy since Albert van den Berg. Despite that similarity, he also looks like a very good player.

What was going on with the field in Kimberley. Those were either crop circles or a pair of Picasso-inspired breasts.

circles

Currie Cup | Blue Bulls v Free State Cheetahs

Whoever left Owen Nkumane as the adult in charge of this commentary box deserves worse than I can imagine, but he clearly had Commentary by Blades in front of him because every kick was struck well and we weren’t left wondering which school everybody went to.

That was a great try from Elgar Watts, but he still used to play for Boland.

When the Blue Bulls scored in the 78th minute, the try scorer was named as starting flank Wiaan Liebenberg. Remember that name, because if this game is anything to go by you don’t hear it very often.

Currie Cup | Western Province v Sharks

Scarra Ntubeni should’ve taken that delicious lob pass to set up Cheslin Kolbe’s try to the bank. Instead he went on to try a chip kick, a back flick pass in his own 22 and a ‘tweener into touch. I’d be surprised if he wasn’t the most wasted guy at the fines meeting.

scarra

I almost felt bad for the Sharks forwards. They were mauled in the scrums like I haven’t seen since Australia in the 90s.

Western Province like picking little guys, but they only pick little guys who like to tackle. Admittedly it took both of Gio Aplon and Cheslin Kolbe to bundle Jean Deysel into touch but you could see they kakking loved it.

Previously, on Alternative Rugby…

“He’s like your ears is Os, he never stops growing.” Read the rest

“… there hasn’t been a better front row combination since Jonas Bigg, Phillip Scabby and Colin Pooper packed down for England in the 1940s.” Read the rest

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