The Alternative Rugby Review | SA v Australia

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

Why did a pirate sing our national anthem, is Nic White’s lip hair the most distracting thing since Mila Kunis, what was the most unlikely surprise of the weekend, and is there anything more embarrassing than…


South Africa v Australia | 28 September 2013

I write this alternative review for fun, for my enjoyment and possibly yours. Sometimes it’s hard work finding something funny on the rugby field, but other times they let Kurt Darren sing the national anthem wearing an eye patch.


There wasn’t much funny about the first five minutes though: there was a forward pass, a kick for touch instead of poles, a botched lineout drive, a penalty given away for obstructive running, and a penalty conceded for offside at lineout.

In their defence, the Springboks could’ve been put off by Nic White’s moustache. I don’t think I could do anything right within five minutes of noticing that mess on his face.


Zane Kirchner side-stepped Israel Folau like he wasn’t there, leaving the Australian wonder child looking stupid and embarrassed on his ass while Niknaks trotted over for his try.

It was like watching Federer lose to Stakhovsky at Wimbledon, or a 5 year old mascot pretend to shake Steven Gerrard’s hand and then pull it away and give him the old thumb-on-nose-jazz-fingers.


(click pic for video)

I think I’m in favour of the TMO having a closer look at potential foul play during the match, but I also think we need to bear in mind that things look worse (sometimes much worse) than they actually are when viewed in super slow motion. Look again, but look in real time.

There were four yellow cards in total in this game, almost all of them dubious, but nobody was more unfortunate than Sitaleki Timani, who got his ten minutes in the bin for shoulder charging his own player.


South African rugby has produced more than its fair share of embarrassing post-match presentations, but giving Owen Nkumane the microphone and the responsibility is possibly an all-time low for SuperSport and sport in South Africa in general.

This week’s other Alternative Reviews

Cheetahs v WP  |  Lions v Sharks  |  Griquas v Blue Bulls  |  Argentina v New Zealand


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