The best voicemail message ever

This is the funniest and best thing you will hear on the Internet this week. 

Our hero is just your average guy, late for work, leaving an apologetic voicemail message for his boss. Until one car crashes into another car in front of him and his message turns into the best blow-by-blow commentary ever delivered.

Key words: old ladies, pepper spray, bible, beat-down, badam badam!

Seriously, get comfortable. You need three minutes and nobody around who is going to mind you laughing and possibly crying hysterically.

Good Internet, good boy.

Some facts, as best as I can gather:

  • This happened in 2005
  • The recording gets recirculated on radio and the Internet every few years
  • The message is real, the details of the incident are unconfirmed
  • I first heard this recording this week at http://95rockfm.com
  • Thanks to @tidman for sharing
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This is what cameras on helmets were made for

There have always been crazy people, but there haven’t always been video cameras. And it’s only recently that these cameras have become small enough for the crazy people to show the rest of us what they get up to.

Like this guy, who clearly doesn’t know what fear feels like.

It’s what cameras on helmets were made for. It doesn’t make me want to do it, but I’m perfectly happy to watch somebody else.

The Alternative Rugby Review | 19 October 2013

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

New Zealand v Australia

Aaron Cruden’s first penalty attempt was so pathetic it barely cleared his own kicking tee. To his credit, though, he showed tremendous ball to come back and successfully slot his next kick from the touchline.

cruden1

Will Genia milked a penalty out of referee Joubert by ‘passing’ quick ball into a lazy runner at an Australian ruck. The commentators were quick to compliment Genia’s ‘fast thinking’ and ‘clever play’, all down to his ‘experience’.

It’s sad to see Genia resort to cynical, cheap tricks like that, but I suppose it’s a consequence of his own terrible form and a lack of confidence in his side’s ability to find a seven-pointer. Very sad.

Ma’a Nonu has developed into a kicking inside centre. He easily kicks more than he breaks tackles these days. And not, as far as I can tell, because he’s a good kicker. (Must be because he’s even worse at breaking tackles these days…)

nonu2

The Ben Smith 13 experiment wasn’t a success, and New Zealand may have to deal with playing the best player in Super Rugby and the Rugby Championship in his best position.

So if you’re a young backline player in New Zealand, tell your coach you want to play centre, because the best team in world rugby needs one (and will need another when Conrad “Oupa” Smith retires.

But the most embarrassing moment by a centre award has to go to Tevita Kuridrani who snatched an intercept away from the All Blacks and was then caught from behind by Ma’a Nonu of all carthorses.

kuridrani

Western Province v Golden Lions

Jean de Villiers also failed to make it to the tryline after intercepting in midfield, but at least he was caught by Anthony Volmink (who runs like a young Joe Rococoko).

I only had one eye open for most of the game, but I just think you have to give the sort of tries that Gio Aplon wasn’t allowed in the first half.

It looks forward because Schreuder is running across and dropping off as he makes the pass, and Aplon is rushing past and hitting the ball at speed. But you have to give those, surely.

aplon

Cheslin Kolbe is only 19 years old! N-n-n-n-nineteen! How is he possibly as quick and strong and composed as he is at that age?

It probably helps that he’s already been to a Junior World Champs and a Sevens World Cup. And he was born and raised in Kraaifontein. If they make them tough anywhere, it’s there.

Eben Etzebeth stands 10 metres in front of the opposition kicker at every penalty – the old line of sight distraction – but at his height he’s bound to cop a falcon one of these days.

Check out Demetri Catrakilis running the perfect Werner Greeff line to score his try. The kid is getting better and better and The Stormers would do well to get his autograph.

The Newlands crowd is historically the best and biggest in South Africa, at least in pure numbers terms, so what the hell happened that only 31,000 showed up for this semi-final?

The Newlands crowd is also the best in South Africa in terms of Mexican waves per game. It doesn’t matter what’s happening on the field, you’ll never talk WP fans out of getting out their seats and putting up their hands.

Unfortunately, the Newlands crowd is also the worst in South Africa when it comes to booing the opposition kicker. Cut it out, idiots.

Did you see Michael Rhodes and Schalk Burger preparing to come on as second-half substitutes? Rhodes was doing all sorts of stretches to get himself ready for battle, while Schalk just stood maar with his hands behind his back calmer than a Hindu cow.

schalkburger

I guess that’s the kind of calm and perspective that comes from 18 months on the sidelines with an injured knee, then an injured calf, then a cyst pressing on his spine, and finally a little bit of bacterial meningitis. All after coming back from a broken neck in 2006.

Scarra Ntubeni just about pulled out of fully committing to that spear tackle, and that’s what got him a yellow instead of a red card. So, he’s 90% an idiot, but that might not be enough to save him being suspended for the final.

Natal Sharks v Free State Cheetahs

Hugh Bladen can’t actually say “scrumhalf” without first saying “nuggety”. Just like he can’t tell us that a player is on debut without telling us where he was born, what school he went to, and what that school’s famous war cry is.

“He’ll normally kick that nine and a half times out of ten,’ said Blades. I’m not sure how he’ll do that, but shame we know what you mean old timer.

Adriaan Strauss absolutely loves the squeeze ball (you know, when you squeeze the ball back between your legs when tackled). I bet he squeezes more balls than anybody else in the Currie Cup.

adriaanstrauss

It was bad enough seeing 40% of seats empty at Newlands, but how the hell were there only 17,000 people in the stands at Kings Park? John Smit has shown he knows how to bring quality people onto his staff, but it looks like he needs to focus on putting bums on seats if he wants to be able to pay his stars.

With TMOs looking out for foul play these days (generally I’m in favour of this), I get the feeling players are being puss1es a bit more than they used to, because they know that referees are more likely to refer an incident if a massive guy is lying ‘injured’ on the ground holding his head or throat. Don’t let rugby become soccer, don’t.

Keegan Daniel is one of my favourite sh1t players. He is so sh1t! Like when he tried to end the game after the hooter but couldn’t even kick the ball directly into touch, backwards.

The Alternative Review | Currie Cup

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

Free State Cheetahs v Blue Bulls | 12 October 2013

Commentator Gavin Cowley has called Elgar Watts “a most underrated kicker” before, and just like before Watts went on to miss the first simple kick he lined up on Saturday. Maybe it’s time for a different description, Gav. Maybe try “an overrated kicker” next time?

wattskick

Having said that, and after he missed a further sitter, Watts did set up the Cheetahs’ first try with a classic flyhalf break (around a fattie).

What is it about the Currie Cup that we see so many “highly regarded” loose forwards, as captains of their sides nogal, who are mediocre rugby players at best.

Boom Prinsloo and Jono Ross from this game fit that description, while both Keegan Daniel and Jacques Botes fit the bill at the Sharks.

boomross

I couldn’t stop laughing when Akona Ndungane tried to go round Raymond Rhule. He actually saw Rhule, lined him up, and tried to out-pace him. It was hilarious… I can only think he somehow mistook Rhule for Trevor Nyakane.

Perhaps Ndungane was somehow blinded by the reflection off his own incredible forehead. Peter Ndoro would be proud.

shinyheads

Gavin Cowley then got some sun in his eye, as he credited Trevor Nyakane with a lineout win. God help Cowley if the actual lineout winner, Oupa Mohoje, ever hears about the confusion…

Because Oupa Mohoje is tough. He cleans out rucks like my oupa used to clean his tool shed – seriously f&cking hard, all the time, and with a satisfied smile on his face.

The facts are these: Adriaan Strauss scored a try at the end by beating JJ Engelbrecht to a ball that had been kicked through; he had a head-start; the ball bounced kindly for him; and he’s a f&cking hard guy to get around in less than 25 metres.

strausstry

It was a fine try, but I’d love to hear him describe it in 20 years time…

There wasn’t much that Engelbrecht could do about that try, but then there wasn’t much he did all day. Both he and Jan Serfontein were quiet, with the latter wasted on crash-ball duty while JJ got cold outside him.

Coverage concluded with the #humanspirit moment, that try by Strauss in fact, which I gather is part of some competition being run by Supersport. God that’s lame… Even Oprah would vom in her mouth at the thought.

supersport

Tweets from the game…

@tricyclebear Cheetahs penalty, Goosen kicks to touch, breaks arm.

@ThalaMsutu77 I still say the Bulls have been playing crap since the lineout calls have been in English.

And from the WP v Sharks game, that I hardly saw any of…

@WykaSpies Steven Kitshoff se hare kan nie nat word nie. #ssrugby

== FULL TIME ==

The Alternative Review | Rugby Championship

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

South Africa v New Zealand | 5 October 2013

The Haka was made into a non-event by the crowd, who rung out a truly touching and meaningful rendition of South Africa’s unofficial sporting song, sing it if you know it, “Olé, olé, olé, olé. Olé. Olé. ” [Repeat]

hakabok

I can’t put my finger on exactly how it felt, after five weeks of listening to Supersport’s best, to suddenly have Sky’s Miles Harrison and Stuart Barnes calling the game. It might’ve been patronising – like the biggest game of the year needed Sky’s commentators calling it. Or maybe I have become genuinely fond of Blades and Broz and Shimmie.

Duane Vermeulen has been immense this year, and it seems like Heyneke Meyer has noticed, but the true test will come when Pierre Spies is fit again. Because you must see that oke in the gym, jislaaik.

[Alternative interview with Heyneke Meyer]

Hopefully HeyMey does the right thing and sends Spies back to rugby school, because Duane has been awesome this year.

This was an amazing game of rugby, and the Springboks were close to being good enough to actually beat New Zealand. But not that close if you think that the All Blacks played 20 minutes with only 14 men.

One of those yellow cards was shown to Ben Franks, whose swinging arm connected with Coenie Oosthuizen’s face, leaving the prop with a broken hand.

coeniehead

Indeed, someone must have slipped a sedative into Coenie’s Energade, or else I can’t explain how the big Free Stater with well-documented anger management issues didn’t react.

Argentina v Australia | 5 October 2013

How did they get Andrea Bocelli to sing the national anthems, and why is he calling himself Rodrigo Mora?

bocelli

I haven’t liked Stephen Moore all year. I guess when you’ve played as long as he has, you don’t take kindly to suddenly being sh1t in a sh1t team. If I’d been in Rosario, I would’ve tried to get the crowd singing, “Stephen Moore! Huh! Yea! What is he good for…?”

[Original reference here. Steve Waugh copy at 1:12, 1:49 and 3:05 here.]

Nic White had a great Super Rugby season, played well for Australia as a substitute, and deserved to replace the out of form Will Genia. But you only get one bad game when the best in the world is on the bench, and White had that last week.

Argentinian scrumhalf Martin Landago was penalised for stamping on Adam Ashley-Cooper’s fingers, as they were wrapped illegally around the ball on the ground. The penalty was fair because it happened after the whistle, but I’d bring finger-stamping back if I could.

Players slow the ball down and even blatantly and professionally offend when it suits them, and a penalty isn’t enough of a punishment. I’d like to see penalised players have to place their hand on the ground and let the opposing team pick a player to stamp the sh1t out of it. Sharia law style. (I’d pick Coenie.)

hand

I’ve accused Israel Folau of being invisible during these championships, but he appeared in the right place to take his three tries and I’ll give him the credit he’s due for that. Even if it was just against Argentina, and he hardly had to do more than run and not drop the ball.

The Alternative Review | Currie Cup

If you like it local, you’ll find a mix of science, conspiracy theories and toilet humour in my alternative round-up of Currie Cup action (Sharks v Blue Bulls and WP v Lions).

The Alternative Review | Currie Cup

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

Sharks v Blue Bulls | 4 October 2013

Jacques Botes equalled Helgaard Muller’s record number of Currie Cup appearances (142) in this one, confirming that this record will always be held by someone who is exactly good enough to always play for his province but could never make it at international level.

jacquesbotes3

I’m getting tired of hearing several players (and medics and water guys), in what is normally (it just is) a strong Afrikaans accent, shouting (whether it is or isn’t), “Skew, Mr Ref, skeeyuuuuu!” at every lineout.

The Blue Bulls have been terrible this year, and I’m starting to wonder whether there’s a stronger force at play, a force that cannot allow a team from Pretoria to win when a third of the starting XV is as English as Small-Smith, Paige, Ross, Bulbring and Kirsten.

Western Province v Golden Lions | 5 October 2013

Commentator Gareth Wright kicked off the quality comms by informing us that “The Lions have a a lineout in the WP half for the first time in this game.” After 37 seconds.

His co-commentator Hanyani Shimange then accused Lionel Mapoe of “over-sharing”. Of course, Lionel had just told us about the wonderful, crisp sh1t he had expelled just before kick-off, so that was probably fair enough. (He told us about his poo, “Ma-poe”, get it?!)

mapoe

On-field comms guy Toks van der Linde interviewed Demetri Catrakilis at half time looking like the Goodyear Blimp holding a microphone. I assume Toks is the on-field guy because there isn’t an elevator at Newlands that could lift him up to the commentary box.

Toks did get some valuable insight out of the interview, however. Catrakilis is one of the sharpest shooters in the competition, and his secret in the slightly windy conditions was “Kick it straight and hope, hey.”

demetric

Professional sport. Sometimes it feels like anybody could do it.

I’m amazed every week by how far above their weight the likes of Aplon, Kolbe and Deon Fourie are able to punch. I’ve decided to put it down to the energy (ohhmmmm) that comes from being 100% committed to something.

Or, to offer a more scientific explanation: force = mass x acceleration. Because those little guys go hard into tackles, hard and fast. They accelerate into the contact, not with a view to ending at it, but to bursting through. And it catches a lot of bigger guys by surprise.

energy

Pierre Spies has none of this energy, Zane Kirchner (who is slowly winning me over) has very little of it, but WP’s tiny guys have it to spare.

As well as energy, Chesslyn Kolbe has the lowest centre of gravity ever observed, apparently somewhere towards the top of his shins. His balance is superb, his acceleration is astounding, and if you don’t actually knock and hold him down he’ll be gone before you hit the ground yourself.

The Lions were poor for most of the game, out-played and out-thought, but they didn’t need any creativity at line-out time, as we were subjected to several minutes of kick to the corner and try and drive it over. Over and over. It was effective, but sh1t it was uninspiring. And fortunately, ultimately, it wasn’t enough.

The Alternative Review | Rugby Championship

If you’re interested, there’s more talk of Pierre Spies, sharia law and reference to the Australian 12th Man tapes over at my international edition (SA v NZ and Arg v Aus).

The Alternative Rugby Review | Argentina v NZ

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

What does field sponsor Personal actually do, does eating Argentinian steak really count as cultural immersion, and who made little Nicolás Sánchez look like old Mike Catt?

steak

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