The Alternative Rugby Review | 19 October 2013

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

New Zealand v Australia

Aaron Cruden’s first penalty attempt was so pathetic it barely cleared his own kicking tee. To his credit, though, he showed tremendous ball to come back and successfully slot his next kick from the touchline.

Will Genia milked a penalty out of referee Joubert by ‘passing’ quick ball into a lazy runner at an Australian ruck. The commentators were quick to compliment Genia’s ‘fast thinking’ and ‘clever play’, all down to his ‘experience’.

It’s sad to see Genia resort to cynical, cheap tricks like that, but I suppose it’s a consequence of his own terrible form and a lack of confidence in his side’s ability to find a seven-pointer. Very sad.

Ma’a Nonu has developed into a kicking inside centre. He easily kicks more than he breaks tackles these days. And not, as far as I can tell, because he’s a good kicker. (Must be because he’s even worse at breaking tackles these days…)

The Ben Smith 13 experiment wasn’t a success, and New Zealand may have to deal with playing the best player in Super Rugby and the Rugby Championship in his best position.

So if you’re a young backline player in New Zealand, tell your coach you want to play centre, because the best team in world rugby needs one (and will need another when Conrad “Oupa” Smith retires.

But the most embarrassing moment by a centre award has to go to Tevita Kuridrani who snatched an intercept away from the All Blacks and was then caught from behind by Ma’a Nonu of all carthorses.

Western Province v Golden Lions

Jean de Villiers also failed to make it to the tryline after intercepting in midfield, but at least he was caught by Anthony Volmink (who runs like a young Joe Rococoko).

I only had one eye open for most of the game, but I just think you have to give the sort of tries that Gio Aplon wasn’t allowed in the first half.

It looks forward because Schreuder is running across and dropping off as he makes the pass, and Aplon is rushing past and hitting the ball at speed. But you have to give those, surely.

Cheslin Kolbe is only 19 years old! N-n-n-n-nineteen! How is he possibly as quick and strong and composed as he is at that age?

It probably helps that he’s already been to a Junior World Champs and a Sevens World Cup. And he was born and raised in Kraaifontein. If they make them tough anywhere, it’s there.

Eben Etzebeth stands 10 metres in front of the opposition kicker at every penalty – the old line of sight distraction – but at his height he’s bound to cop a falcon one of these days.

Check out Demetri Catrakilis running the perfect Werner Greeff line to score his try. The kid is getting better and better and The Stormers would do well to get his autograph.

The Newlands crowd is historically the best and biggest in South Africa, at least in pure numbers terms, so what the hell happened that only 31,000 showed up for this semi-final?

The Newlands crowd is also the best in South Africa in terms of Mexican waves per game. It doesn’t matter what’s happening on the field, you’ll never talk WP fans out of getting out their seats and putting up their hands.

Unfortunately, the Newlands crowd is also the worst in South Africa when it comes to booing the opposition kicker. Cut it out, idiots.

Did you see Michael Rhodes and Schalk Burger preparing to come on as second-half substitutes? Rhodes was doing all sorts of stretches to get himself ready for battle, while Schalk just stood maar with his hands behind his back calmer than a Hindu cow.

I guess that’s the kind of calm and perspective that comes from 18 months on the sidelines with an injured knee, then an injured calf, then a cyst pressing on his spine, and finally a little bit of bacterial meningitis. All after coming back from a broken neck in 2006.

Scarra Ntubeni just about pulled out of fully committing to that spear tackle, and that’s what got him a yellow instead of a red card. So, he’s 90% an idiot, but that might not be enough to save him being suspended for the final.

Natal Sharks v Free State Cheetahs

Hugh Bladen can’t actually say “scrumhalf” without first saying “nuggety”. Just like he can’t tell us that a player is on debut without telling us where he was born, what school he went to, and what that school’s famous war cry is.

“He’ll normally kick that nine and a half times out of ten,’ said Blades. I’m not sure how he’ll do that, but shame we know what you mean old timer.

Adriaan Strauss absolutely loves the squeeze ball (you know, when you squeeze the ball back between your legs when tackled). I bet he squeezes more balls than anybody else in the Currie Cup.

It was bad enough seeing 40% of seats empty at Newlands, but how the hell were there only 17,000 people in the stands at Kings Park? John Smit has shown he knows how to bring quality people onto his staff, but it looks like he needs to focus on putting bums on seats if he wants to be able to pay his stars.

With TMOs looking out for foul play these days (generally I’m in favour of this), I get the feeling players are being puss1es a bit more than they used to, because they know that referees are more likely to refer an incident if a massive guy is lying ‘injured’ on the ground holding his head or throat. Don’t let rugby become soccer, don’t.

Keegan Daniel is one of my favourite sh1t players. He is so sh1t! Like when he tried to end the game after the hooter but couldn’t even kick the ball directly into touch, backwards.

The Alternative Rugby Review | 13/14 Sept 2013

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

Currie Cup | Free State Cheetahs v Golden Lions

According to the first graphic we saw, the combined age of the Cheetahs front row was 75, and that of the Lions was nine. It struck me as an error immediately, given that I know for a fact that CJ van der Linde is older than that himself because I watched him play for South Africa back in 2002.

I recall CJ’s debut in particular because I remember commenting at the time that I thought he looked like an only slightly more mannish Natalie du Toit.

Commentator Gareth Wright attributed the Lions elevated position on the log to Elton Jantjies’ willingness and ability to take the ball flat. Entirely to that, and only that. The Old Flyhalves Club is a real thing.

This game featured, for the first time that I’ve seen, a “shadow referee”. From what I could tell, this is a teenage poppie who takes the ref his water bottle when he’s thirsty.

Gavin Cowley, bless him he was there at the World Cup final back in ’95, has turned into our grandfathers. I get the impression he’s just sitting back in the comms box letting Shimmie do the hard work, until he thinks he sees something to complain about. Often mistakenly.

Like when Jantjies was given a yellow card, he ranted on about how it was just a little push and he didn’t even start it, when the penalty was actually for the cynical and professional foul of throwing the ball away.

Or when he couldn’t understand what Minnie did wrong, despite us all hearing the ref say Minnie was fine, it was from a “previous advantage” three separate times.

I also enjoyed how he wondered whether this game was going to be a “game of two halves”, because the curtain raiser before it was a “game of two halves”, apparently. I suspect it will.

Towards the end of the match the ref called “Use it!” to the Lions scrumhalf, but he clearly didn’t hear because he made no move to do so. But CJ van der Linde standing at first receiver heard him, and was then clearly heard himself passing the message on to his scrummie: “Use it! Use it! Use die fokkin’ ding!”

Rugby Championship | New Zealand v South Africa

I didn’t see this game live because I was away enjoying the last of the British summer, but I managed to not hear the result until I got home on Sunday night. At which point, entering my home, I announced to my housemate, “I don’t know what happened in the rugby, don’t tell me the score.” And she replied, “Oh you don’t want to know!”

So I killed her, and I don’t believe there’s a judge or jury in the world that would convict me.

I used to love the Haka. I used to really get into it and get a thrill watching the challenge laid down and accepted.

But it’s hard these days to get excited by it when there are three cameramen and their sound guys between the two teams, when one of those cameramen is giving me a view right up Kieran Read’s nose, and when some cheesy fireworks go off at the end. #betterinmyday

Zane Kirchner is picked at fullback largely because it’s thought that he’s “good out the air”. So then how come every bomb that went up, ours or theirs, either ended in New Zealand winning it back or Kirchner knocking it on?

In one damning example Ben Smith will be credited with winning the ball out of the air even though he was lying on the ground. That’s how bad we were at kick and catch on Saturday.

Sam Cane left about a pint of blood on Eden Park on Saturday, and nobody even offered him tea and a biscuit afterwards.

I don’t mean to be insensitive, I know many have suffered as a result of the earthquakes that have struck New Zealand, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the collision between Coenie Oosthuizen and Charlie Faumuina registered on a Richter scale somewhere.

A lot has been said about Bismarck du Plessis’ yellow and red cards, by some people who speak more sense than me and a lot who don’t. It is what it is. But what I wonder is whether he was more severely punished or whether those instances were more closely scrutinised because in both cases a New Zealander was left injured on the ground.

Victor Matfield went into every tackle he ever took leading with his elbow. Pierre Spies does a similar thing and indeed several others in world rugby do the same. And all of them should be penalised every time they do, but they aren’t. It just looks a lot worse when a guy the size of Liam Messam goes down clutching his throat as a result.

Despite everything, New Zealand were better on the day. They were more clinical and more composed. But I’ll put my alternative reputation on a South African victory in Johannesburg in three weeks time.

Rugby Championship | Australia v Argentina

They call Nick Cummins “The Honey Badger”, presumably because he’s all energy and aggression and what not. And he is. But on current form and evidence it looks like an actual honey badger would have better ball skills.

I didn’t see much else in this game worth commenting on. I mainly watched it on fast forward so I didn’t hear the gems and gaffes that I presume the Australian commentators came up with. But I trust they were there and you enjoyed them nonetheless.

Tell me what you think

Did I get something right? Or wrong? Was I too harsh, or not harsh enough? Do you agree CJ and Natalie could be the same person? Tweet me at @tricyclebear and let me know.

The Alternative Rugby Review | 7 September 2013

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

Rugby Championship | New Zealand v Argentina

At the setting of the first scrum, the TV told us that New Zealand’s pack weighed 922kg and Argentina’s only 858kg. That’s a whole Gio Aplon difference. But El Bajada proceeded to shunt the All Black pack into their own boots because fatties don’t scrum so good.

The Argentinian scrum has never bothered with something so silly as hooking the ball. They just think “the ball comes in and we walk forward until it comes neatly out the back”. Of course they think it in Spanish.

Francis Saili c0cked up single-handedly to give Argentina their opening try. The only consolation that I can offer him is that somehow – I don’t know how, but somehow – Ma’a Nonu would’ve c0cked it up worse.

Despite what you’ve heard, Sonny Bill Williams isn’t playing rugby league for the Sydney Roosters in Australia. He’s actually still playing rugby union for New Zealand, at number eight, wearing a Kieran Read mask.

Dan Carter broke the line cleaner than Charlie Faumuina’s plate at Christmas time, but he only had the same Faumuina for support. For about three metres, before the big guy had to stop for a rest and a snack. Fatties are no better at running than scrumming.

You’ve got to love Juan Martín Hernández throwing a 20 metre pass one-handed, when under pressure in his own 22. Against New Zealand, in the rain. I guess that’s part of why they call him El Mago. (It doesn’t mean “stupid”, but maybe it should.)

The only way I’d expect Nicolás Sánchez to knock Wyatt Crockett to the floor would be with a six-shooter at high noon in the wild west. But the little flyhalf somehow managed to bounce Crockett in a fashion more befitting a rag doll cowboy than a burly New Zealand prop.

When Crockett went down one of the commentators observed that his legs had turned to jelly. What he didn’t notice, and what almost certainly didn’t help Crockett against falling over, was that as soon as his legs became pudding they were eaten by Charlie Faumuina.

Argentinian flank and captain Juan Martín Fernández Lobbe is a fine player, but he’s also a victim of patronising commentators who (like with Sergio Parisse) insist on swooning over how world class he is (implying that the rest of his side is not).

It’s unfair and it’s unfair on Fernández Lobbe, because he’s not actually that good. He wouldn’t make the New Zealand side, for a start. Nor the South African. He might start for Australia, given their injuries at the moment. But then I’d pick any of the loose forwards in the Grey Bloem first and second side ahead of Scott Fardy.

What the he1l was Luis Figo doing in the Argentinian coaches box?

Rugby Championship | Australia v South Africa

Advance Australia Fair hasn’t been sung worse than that since it was performed by Indecent Obsession in the late 1980s.*

It didn’t take long before both teams realised that George Clancy likes penalties. It was classic “stamp my authority on the game” stuff, which is about as insecure as a squeaky-voiced teenager with acne and bright orange hair.

From a kick off, James O’Connor tried to do that thing where you catch the ball with a foot in touch which means the kick was effectively directly out. But he mistimed it and put his foot out after catching the ball, which means it should’ve been South Africa’s lineout.

The ref and his assistant had already made the decision, so I bet they felt pretty stupid when the evidence was replayed on the big screen.

Luckily referee Clancy had awarded Australia a scrum, so he could very easily give South Africa a free kick for [make up and insert any reason here] to, you know, make things right. Which he did.

I didn’t think much of the way the Australian fans rang out a chorus of “Bullsh1t, bullsh1t, bullsh1t” while Morne Steyn lined up the penalty that came from Michael Hooper’s (entirely warranted) yellow card. You stay classy, Brisbane.

Eben Etzebeth got an early birthday present when he got hold of Quade Cooper midway between Quade having the ball and Quade passing it, which meant he was completely within his rights to sling rugby’s most hated man to the ground like a rag doll cowgirl .

Rod Kafer needs to be careful screaming things like, “Give it to Israel!” What sounds like an innocent (albeit anguished) piece of rugby advice to one set of ears could quite easily come across as inciting political violence to another.

Kafe continued his line of potentially risky political commentary by calling for the Aussies to run that famous German backline move, “Putting the ball through the Hans”. It sounds like “hands” when Kafe says it.

What the c0ck was Niknaks doing diving in for his try like that. I would’ve gone ghost pops on him if he’d spilled the ball on landing or had it knocked out of his hands by either of the Australians trying to do just that.

Kirchner got his try (though he tried very hard not to) off what by my count is Willie le Roux’s seventh direct pass assist. Also by my count, that already makes him the most prolific pass assist Springbok of all time after only six Tests.

So shell-shocked were the usually parochial Australian commentators, that they appeared to call time of death on this game after about 68 minutes.

As a South African fan who has endured getting more than one victory stuck in my throat, I didn’t pay my respects until the 80 minutes were up, but I thoroughly enjoyed the disconsolate commentary of the last 12 minutes.

*This report has discovered previously that the Australian anthem was originally written as a pop song for a girl group, but Indecent Obsession’s cover in 1989 was called the worst thing to happen to music until The Kings of Leon’s “early stuff”.

Currie Cup | Griquas v Golden Lions

We’re halfway through the season and we have our first candidate for token crazy beard guy. I can’t find any photographic evidence yet, but if he keeps it up then Golden Lions scrumhalf Tian Meyer (and his beard) will be all over the Internet by the end of the year.

We’ve already found our token crazy hair guy.

I’ll be disappointed if Griquas centre Jean Stemmet doesn’t get a lot of kak from his teammates about his dad, who I presume is Johan Stemmet from the popular Afrikaans music game show Noot vir Noot.

Anthony Volmink went over in the corner in exactly the same way that Mark Cueto went into touch in the 2007 Rugby World Cup final, except referee Jason Jaftha and his assistant forgot about technology and awarded the blatantly un-try-like try.

Hugh Bladen has entertained us over the years, oh yes he has. And he’s still got it. Here are some actual comments from him from Saturday:

“Elton Jantjies is lying very flat and deep.”

“You have to be careful when the ball hits the ground, it can bounce.”

“Another fantastic no he’s missed it.”

Gcobani Bobo wasn’t doing much better, unfortunately. Not only did he describe Marnitz Boshoff as “as calm as a cucumber”, but his interview with JP Nel was as painful as a Kimberley grass burn.

Griquas fullback PJ Vermeulen is the most surprisingly very fast big guy since Albert van den Berg. Despite that similarity, he also looks like a very good player.

What was going on with the field in Kimberley. Those were either crop circles or a pair of Picasso-inspired breasts.

Currie Cup | Blue Bulls v Free State Cheetahs

Whoever left Owen Nkumane as the adult in charge of this commentary box deserves worse than I can imagine, but he clearly had Commentary by Blades in front of him because every kick was struck well and we weren’t left wondering which school everybody went to.

That was a great try from Elgar Watts, but he still used to play for Boland.

When the Blue Bulls scored in the 78th minute, the try scorer was named as starting flank Wiaan Liebenberg. Remember that name, because if this game is anything to go by you don’t hear it very often.

Currie Cup | Western Province v Sharks

Scarra Ntubeni should’ve taken that delicious lob pass to set up Cheslin Kolbe’s try to the bank. Instead he went on to try a chip kick, a back flick pass in his own 22 and a ‘tweener into touch. I’d be surprised if he wasn’t the most wasted guy at the fines meeting.

I almost felt bad for the Sharks forwards. They were mauled in the scrums like I haven’t seen since Australia in the 90s.

Western Province like picking little guys, but they only pick little guys who like to tackle. Admittedly it took both of Gio Aplon and Cheslin Kolbe to bundle Jean Deysel into touch but you could see they kakking loved it.

Previously, on Alternative Rugby…

“He’s like your ears is Os, he never stops growing.” Read the rest

“… there hasn’t been a better front row combination since Jonas Bigg, Phillip Scabby and Colin Pooper packed down for England in the 1940s.” Read the rest

The Alternative Rugby Review | 23/24 August 2013

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

Currie Cup | Free State Cheetahs v Sharks

Os du Randt has the entire back row of the Cheetahs coaching box to himself, and he needs it. He’s like your ears is Os, he never stops growing.

As kick-offs go, one of Riaan’s Smit’s efforts in the first half was about the worst attempt I’ve ever seen. It didn’t just not cross the 10m line, it actually went into touch inside his own half. It was the kick-off equivalent of Miley Cyrus.

Referee Jason Jaftha has a bad case of Kaplanitis. Symptoms include blowing your whistle twice as loud and long as is necessary, thinking you’re better than everybody else, and always needing to be the centre of attention.

I can’t stand quick tap penalties, I think it’s unfair to not wait until the opposition is ready. At the very least I reckon they should play touch rugby rules, where the guy who takes the tap isn’t allowed to score. Seriously.

The Cheetahs forwards have the best handling skills of all South African teams. In fact, I’d back them in a catch and pass competition against any past South African backline that included Braam van Straaten, De Wet Barry, Marius Joubert and Pieter Rossouw.

One of those forwards is named Hercú Liebenberg, although I do enjoy how Gavin Cowley keeps calling him Hercules.

How is there not a better fullback than Hennie Daniller in the Free State. He hasn’t broken a tackle since 1997 and every single Cheetahs forward is faster than him. Who’s playing at 15 for Grey Bloem this year? Get him in there.

Rugby Championship | New Zealand v Australia

I said last week that the Australians are smart to get a strong male voice to sing their pop-song anthem. So I guess it’s equally smart by New Zealand then to get what looked like Claire Johnston from Mango Groove to sing Advance Australia Fair in Wellington.

Did they really need to fly four neutral officials in from South Africa? I know the assistants play a bigger part in decisions these days, but think of the carbon footprint (and the officials who have to spend a week in Wellington…)

Tom Taylor had a fine debut, showing excellent running and handling skills throughout. But he can’t kick off to save a baby, he only got about half his restarts above the height of Brodie Retallick’s shoulders.

But Wellington is a tough place to make your debut as a kicker. Even Christian Lealiifano missed his first kick in Test rugby. It seems cruel, though, that Tom Taylor managed to hit both uprights with the same kick, and have the ball bounce back his way instead of over.

Ma’a Nonu has clearly forgotten how to play rugby. He’s just lost it completely.

After watching him all year I now believe Nonu must’ve taken a massive blow to the head in pre-season and he is suffering from rugby-specific amnesia. How else do you explain:

• He hasn’t broken the line once all year,
• Kicking the ball long and directly out off a lineout steal,
• Throwing a skip-two pass straight to the wrong Israel, and
• That shoulder charge on James Slipper where he actually made an effort to put his hands behind his back.

They should just drop Nonu, get him some proper medical care, and pick a Smith or Whitelock to replace him. (Let’s face it, the All Blacks could probably pick a side made up entirely of Smiths and Whitelocks and it would probably be competitive.)

Michael Hooper is a very good player, but everything he does (and I mean absolutely everything) is at least 25% illegal.

In fact the Australian side in general has gone back to playing what they like to call “clever rugby”. It’s also known as “obstructive running”, “playing the man off the ball” and “moaning to the ref about everything, even stuff that happened last week”.

At least scrumhalves are putting the ball into the scrum straight (after a week of testing and being penalised by the refs). But is it still a rule that the hooker can’t raise his foot early, because Steven Moore practically had his foot up before Japtha called “Bind” and “Set”.

Israel Folau was unbelievably good against the British and Irish Lions, but he’s added something extra to his game against the All Blacks: the ability to turn himself invisible for large parts of the game.

Admittedly being invisible probably helped him grab that intercept towards the end.

And the fact that the pass was thrown by Nonu, a man more out of touch than Mugabe.

But wait, there’s more. For Griquas v WP, Lions v Bulls and Argentina v South Africa:

The Alternative Rugby Review | 16/17 August 2013

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

 Currie Cup | Sharks v Golden Lions

I’ve heard of Anthony Volmink before, but I remember him as a skinny guy that I didn’t think much of. But that first try of his was special, in a Joe Rokocoko kind of way. He’s fast, he’s bulked up, and later in the game he showed some real skill. I hope I hear more about him.

What I didn’t need to hear was Andy Capostagno saying that Sharks centre Heimar Williams has “Nice hips.” Regardless of whether he does or doesn’t, Andy, there’s absolutely no need to say so.

For most of the first half it sounded like the main broadcast microphone was in the children’s section. The only thing worse than hearing high-pitched voices in the background is hearing them boo when a shot is being taken at goal. Be better, Durban kids.

Chris van Zyl made his debut at lock for the Golden Lions. The brother of Anton and Nick, son of Mike, and a kid I remember from Rondebosch Boys’ High, he seems to have followed in the van Zyl tradition of doubling in size after leaving high school.

Elton Jantjies just looks better in a Golden Lions jersey. And as a Stormers supporter, I feel like I’m very well qualified to say that.

Willie Britz could be this year’s token crazy hair guy. No sign yet of token crazy beard guy (come back Josh Strauss, we miss you), but it’s still early in the season I suppose.

Golden Lions flank Jaco Kriel should’ve been denied his try because the pass he received from Deon Helberg was forward. The commentators trotted out the usual “backwards out the hands” line, but just saying it doesn’t make it true. It was a clumsy shovel, and it was forward from the day it was born. Hell of a chip and chase, though.

 Rugby Championship | Australia v New Zealand

Have you noticed how the Australians always get a strong male voice to sing their national anthem? It’s a good idea, because Advance Australia Fair sounds more like a girl group pop song than an inspiring and intimidating anthem.

Having Hore and Woodcock in the same front row is enough to make any grown man giggle. In funny names terms, there hasn’t been a better front row combination since Jonas Bigg, Phillip Scabby and Colin Pooper packed down for England in the 1940s.

How does Ma’a Nonu keep making the All Blacks starting XV? He wasn’t even a regular for the Highlanders this season, and when he did play he was poor.

Matt Toomua got his first cap on Saturday, but the way the Aussies played – shifting every ball two channels away from the breakdown, every time – they could’ve picked anybody to stand at 10 and just catch and pass. Anybody except Quade, obviously.

There have been and are faster wings than Ben Smith, and bigger ones too, but his balance and intelligence make him one of the most dangerous outside backs in the world right now. Then again, it’s always been pretty easy being an All Black wing.

There was a lot of chat between the teams after the game, with players just hanging around on the field chatting to the opposition. That’s nice to see, from an old-fashioned amateur’s point of view, but what would Allan Border think?!

Of the English opposition, Border said: “Don’t talk to them at all as they go by.”
And: “I am not talking to anyone in the British media … They are all pr1cks.”

More than 68,000 people watched the game at Stadium Australia, an impressive effort and an indication that there’s no hangover after the Lions tour. Imagine how many would show up if Australia started winning.

Rugby Championship | South Africa v Argentina

I like the Zulu warrior that leads the Springboks out onto the field before home games. They must have been a fearsome sight in battle, the Zulus, what with fireworks shooting off their shields and out their assegais like that.

When it comes to pre-match ceremony there’s an unwritten rule that there should never be more dignitaries than players. That rule was broken on Saturday as everybody who has ever been in politics in South Africa shook hands with the two teams.

The only things more abundantly present than dignitaries were vuvuzelas.

And don’t tell me vuvuzelas add atmosphere, they do exactly the opposite. It’s impossible to get any sense of atmosphere, any rise or fall in the crowd, any rousing crescendo or hushed anticipation, when all you can hear is a constant drone of noise.

I’m glad to see Willie le Roux in the starting XV, but I’m worried he’s struggling to come to terms with his new popular profile. Take his hair, for example. His latest ‘do’ is somewhere between farm boy and Backstreet Boy, and that’s a terrible place to be.

After and despite 51 tries in 87 Test matches, Bryan Habana still hasn’t learned to side step. He is awesome in a straight line, but he changes direction like somebody is steering him using the arrow keys on a keyboard.

By 10 minutes into the second half the game was won and I could switch to the men’s 200m final from the World Champs in Moscow. Where things were even more one-sided.

Pierre Spies is nursing a bicep injury (sustained during his usual 2000 curls before breakfast) but the stats still show he made 37 tackles and 467 running metres during the game.

Fourie du Preez put his incredible return to Springbok duty down to the special water he’s been drinking in Japan. “From the foothills of Fukushima,” he said, “I’ve never felt better.”

A new Mayan manuscript has been discovered, predicting that the world will end the day Jean de Villiers retires and Heyneke Meyer makes Adriaan Strauss captain. It says, “One man will burn so bright with rage that all humanity will be destroyed.”

SA v PAK – 5 things for Proteas fans to worry about

The Proteas will play two Tests against Pakistan in the UAE in October and I’m worried things aren’t going to go as well as people expect.

With four ranking places and 33 ratings points between the two Test teams¹, and given the Proteas’ 3-0 victory against the same opposition in South Africa earlier this year, most would make the South Africans favourites in the Tests. But these five things concern me.

1. No first-class form

When the first Test starts it will have been eight months since the Proteas last played a Test match. Their only international exposure during that time has been a disappointing showing at the Champions Trophy, four ODI losses out of five in Sri Lanka, and an admittedly morale-boosting but ultimately meaningless T20 series victory in Sri Lanka.

A few players (Philander, Petersen, Elgar) have had stints in county cricket, but conditions in the UK are the cricketing opposite of what they’ll find in Abu Dhabi and Dubai. Elgar has at least, and impressively, made big runs recently against Australia ‘A’, but will he even play?

Elgar is the incumbent, but just one score (103* v New Zealand in Cape Town) in eight Test innings won’t be enough to keep out JP Duminy, the man he replaced due to injury. And even though Faf du Plessis has been woeful in green lately – his 85 in the final T20 is more than he managed in the seven innings he played before it combined – he has a Test average of 69 and has earned the right to continue his Test career in the way in which he started it.

2. Injuries to key players

Graeme Smith‘s county season was cut short in May when he injured (again) and then had surgery (again) on his troublesome ankle. The optimists will say the timing was perfect, and Smith is due to be fit in time for Pakistan, but how often does a heavy-set 32 year-old man come back from ankle surgery without complications?

Jaques Kallis has made himself unavailable for the last two tours and, while his “personal reasons” remain his own, it’s hard not to wonder whether he’s carrying an injury or at least working very hard to avoid one.

Dale Steyn was rested for the Sri Lanka tour after a hip injury cut short his Champions Trophy. He should be fit and well in time to lead the attack in the UAE, but it’s another niggle to keep an eye on, especially if he’s going to bowl a lot of overs on two hard, dry decks.

Then there’s ‘How will AB de Villiers’ back hold up?’, ‘Is Amla carrying an injury?’, and ‘Hasn’t Morne Morkel done a lot of bowling lately?’ And from a purely pessimistic point of view it starts to look like the Proteas better take a lot of tape and an extra physio on tour.

3. Scars from Sri Lanka

The Proteas have two months to switch their minds from what happened in England and Sri Lanka to what awaits in the UAE, and hopefully that’s enough time to apply the mental Bio-Oil to the psychological scars incurred. The spin test they failed in Sri Lanka won’t be any easier in the UAE and it’s going to be just as dry and hot for the bowlers in the desert.

As a team another terrible international tournament and a sound beating in Sri Lanka is loose sand upon which to set a confident stall, and as individuals several players have struggled completely out of any sort of form.

Faf du Plessis, as noted by everyone, has been in a patch of form that is more pumpkin than purple this year. Of course he proved us all wrong in the third T20 in Sri Lanka, but his blade had seemed cursed until then. I’m sure he’ll keep his place at six or seven, but I hope for his sake he rediscovers the belief and form that secured him that spot to begin with.

Robin Peterson was dropped for the final ODI in Sri Lanka and not picked for the T20s after taking just two wickets for 166 runs from 30 overs in spin-friendly conditions. He won’t go for 35 runs in an over every day, but it takes an especially thick skin to bounce back from such dismissive, disdainful treatment as he encountered (and has encountered before).

Alviro Petersen hasn’t been a fixture in the Proteas ODI side but he got a chance to show he should be when Amla was injured. He would’ve been hoping for better than 61 runs from three matches, but that was only enough to get him dropped for the last two. Pakistan’s opening bowlers will also remember (or be reminded by their analysts) that Petersen couldn’t get past 27 in five Test innings against them in South Africa at the beginning of the year.

There’s a big difference between ODI and Test cricket, but it’ll take some real mental strength and time spent practising to put the recent failures against the Sri Lankans out of their minds when they’re 22 yards away from Ajmal and friends.

4. Just the one warm-up game

The two Tests are first on the tour schedule, with five ODIs and two T20s to follow. This means the only chance the players will have to get used to conditions will be a single three-day warm-up game against what I presume will be an invitational XI. I understand that nobody likes long, drawn out tours, but it strikes me as risky to hope that three days will be enough to acclimatise to conditions on and above the ground.

The fact that it’s only a two-Test series makes the first one, and the first few days of it, even more important. It would be silly and a shame to be caught cold on day one and two and have to urgently play catch-up thereafter.

Still on the subject of preparation, this will be Russell Domingo’s first series in charge of the Test side. The number one ranked Test side in the world. The side that beat Pakistan 3-0 in Gary Kirsten’s last Test series earlier this year. I don’t know Russell Domingo personally, but he’s made of stern stuff if that kind of expectation doesn’t weigh him down.

5. Pakistan’s record in the UAE

Pakistan don’t often lose Test matches in their adopted home, and they normally win them. Like the 3-0 whitewash they served England in 2012. South Africa probably did well to draw the two Tests they played in 2010, and might even be pleased with similar this time around, because you have to go back to 2002, against Steve Waugh’s Australian juggernaut, for the last and only two Tests (out of 12) that Pakistan have lost in the UAE.

On the other hand…

Here are three very good reasons for the Proteas and their fans to be quietly confident.

The Alternative Super Rugby Review | Week 20

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

Crusaders v Hurricanes

All the New Zealand teams were sporting and supporting the Plunket logo on their shirt fronts this week to raise funds for the parenting advice and childhood development charity.

The charity is a good fit for NZ rugby, given how many one-year-olds are crawling around today exactly 21 months since their Rugby World Cup win.

Refs seem to want to consult the TMO after every try these days, same as how umpires like to check for a no-ball after every wicket. I know we want as many right decisions as possible, but it sucks the excitement out of the moment when it’s overdone.

The Whitelock franchise is well known (only three in the Crusaders 22 today), but the Hurricanes brought the sibling rivalry this week with Ben Franks propping up against brother Owen and fullback James Marshall facing brother Tom on the Crusaders right wing.

James, Tom, Ben, Owen (in no particular order)

Keeping it in the family is nothing new in New Zealand. In fact, while there are 130 contracted players across the five franchises, there are only 76 different last names. I’m not going to say the word that starts with ‘i’ and ends with ‘nbred’ but I’m sure going to think it.

Rebels v Highlanders

Australian commentators, love ’em or hate ’em, they come up with some great one-liners. Like, “Ben Smith has had spiders on him tonight, they haven’t wanted to touch him!” Expect Skinstad, Brosnihan and Co to be butchering that one next season.

Tony Woodcock, Andrew Hore and Brad Thorn have a combined age of 104. Incidentally, that’s also their combined Grit Score, out of 100.

I tried to find a photo of Brad Thorn bleeding, but it turns out he doesn’t. Ever.

Fans of Quagmire from Family Guy would’ve enjoyed the way the Australian commentators say Bryce Hegarty’s surname: Hegarty-Hegarty, alright…

Commentator one: The Highlanders will have to regroup next year as a number of players are leaving to play in France and Japan. Commentator two: Plus there’s a rumour that Ma’a Nonu might return to the Blues. Commentator three (should’ve said): Every cloud…

Sharks v Kings

Marcell Coetzee looks like the oldest kid from The Middle, and he plays like a can of Coke that’s been dropped after shaking for two minutes.

Warren Brosnihan described a Sharks rolling maul as “a giant Sherman tank”. Fact check:

A rolling maul is probably 12 feet long and moves about a metre a second (3.6km/h), and the Sharks forward pack weighs a combined 895kg.

A Sherman tank is 19 feet long, has a top speed of 48km/h and weighs 30 tons.

So it’s more like a very mini Sherman tank, Broz. A slow, mini, pathetic Sherman tank.

Waylon Murray played his first game for the Kings since 4 May. While it’s a only a rumour that he spent those two months off recording an album in Nashville, it is undisputed that he has the best country and western name in Super Rugby.

Stormers v Bulls

My boycott of Stormers rugby continued, until I heard the result. Luckily I’d recorded the game, just in case, which allowed me to be pleasantly surprised (and fast-forward through most of Skinstad’s insights).

Between them, Etzebeth and Elstadt gain more metres for the Stormers while tackling opponents back than Pierre Spies has made running forward for the Bulls all year.

Bryan Habana is actually a very good player when he cuts out the four or five mistakes per game that we’ve come to expect. He’s off to France now, can we have JJ Engelbrecht back?

The Alternative Super Rugby Review | Week 19

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

Crusaders v Chiefs

If you listen closely, you can hear the other commentators laughing every time Ian Jones picks up the microphone to say something in that ridiculous voice of his.

For fear of summoning it back from Hell I dare not say its name, but it looks like they’ve ditched that camera that the referees were wearing earlier in the season. Lesson learned?

Israel Dagg played probably his best game of the season, and it’s thrilling to watch him in top form, but he’s still not even the best guy named Israel in Super Rugby.

Hurricanes v Highlanders

This is my favourite NZ fixture: plenty of attacking players – Gear, Savea, Leiua, Poki, and Ben, Conrad and Aaron Smith – and a couple of leaky defences. And it didn’t disappoint.

Colin Slade actually played and even kicked well. I guess when the season is this long (this was week 19 of 23) there’s a statistical chance that a miracle will happen.

The Highlanders play so much better without Ma’a Nonu. Do everyone a favour and sell him to Japan as quickly as possible.

For the first time in a long time, and for no reason that I can figure, Ben Smith lived up to his boring name and went almost completely unnoticed in this high-scoring game.

Australia v Lions

Some of the player profile pics have been hilarious throughout this series, especially from the Australians. Berrick Barnes looks every inch the 1970s p0rn star, while James O’Connor looks like he’d make a pretty lesbian.

Commentator Miles Harrison has graduated to unbearable this series. It’s almost impossible to imagine that he lasted the entire 80 minutes without at least one hyperbole-induced sexual climax all over the commentary box.

Cheetahs v Blues

I’ve sent an official complaint to Supersport and I hope whoever decided to leave Owen Nkumane and Warren Brosnihan alone in the commentary box together gets sacked.

Dear Supersport,

Re: Cheetahs v Blues, 6 July 2013

With respect, I find it unacceptable that you would subject our ears to Nkumane and Brosnihan together. A pair of bleating goats would be less irritating and probably talk more sense.

Regards,
My Bleeding Ears

I sent this to support@supersport.com and I think you should too.

Ligtoring Landman had his try rightfully disallowed, but not before he had celebrated in memorable style. After running it in from 20m the “lighthouse” lock placed the ball on the ground and started it up like a lawnmower. As you do.

This was the Cheetahs’ last home game of what will be their best ever season. They play attractive, attacking rugby and probably have the best dancing girls in the competition. So why was the stadium so empty? For shame, Bloemfontein, for shame.

Kings v Stormers

I saw glimpses of this, despite my self-imposed boycott on Stormers rugby. And it struck me that Elton Jantjies must be the worst signing by a Western Cape side since Carlisle Best played a season for WP in 1993/94.

Bulls v Sharks

Describing a tackle, Joel Stransky called Francois Hougaard “a flying bullet”. Given Hougie’s connections to a certain high-profile murder trial, I think he could’ve chosen better words.

Also, I don’t think you can call a scrumhalf “a flying bullet” if he’s going to be out-sprinted by Franco van der Merwe a minute later.

Pat Lambie has forgotten how to kick. I think puberty may finally have hit and all those new hormones are messing with his usual precision and poise.

I’ve given referee Jason Jaftha a hard time in the past, but the teenager took being run over by Cobus Reinach pretty well.

Jono Ross doesn’t sound like a Bulls loose forward. He sounds like a UCT club cricketer who can down a beer in 2.7 seconds after a long day in the field.

The Alternative Super Rugby Review | Week 18

This is not the place to find who won, who scored, or who played well. This is what I thought of what I saw, mostly useless information, and why the refs and commentators were sh1t.

Highlanders v Crusaders

I can’t believe there isn’t a better kicker than Colin Slade in the Highlanders squad. His success rate is 62.5%, which makes him the 37th best kicker in Super Rugby.

I’ve given Ma’a Nonu a hard time all season, and he’s deserved it. So I wasn’t surprised when the Highlanders played a very good first half while Nonu sat on the bench.

Then within four seconds of coming on in the second half Nonu’s kick was charged down and Colin Slade (of all people) had to save his dreads by dotting the ball down first.

Then Nonu was sent off for driving Tom Marshall’s head into the ground. What an idiot.

Dan Carter has the best hand-off in rugby. It’s strong and accurate and little Fumiaki Tanaka did well to only end up on his ass a few metres back when Carter fended him off.

Sharks v Blues

If I ever find out whose idea it was to let Owen Nkumane interview Kevin Mealamu I will make him or her listen to that interview over and over and over again. Because a painful death would be a blessing in comparison.

After losing his shirt in a tackle, Jean Deysel has been invited to pose nude alongside Gary Player in ESPN The Magazine’s annual Body Issue.

When Player heard the news he immediately called Deysel and challenged the big man to a one-arm push-up competition, before casually mentioning that his organisation helps 5000 black children every minute.

Bulls v Kings

Pierre Spies didn’t play due to injury (a torn bicep from doing too many bicep curls) but according to Heyneke Meyer’s stats guy he still made 29 tackles, cleaned out 45 rucks and made 563 running metres in the first half.

Stormers v Cheetahs

I don’t watch Stormers games any more, on principle, but I’m pleased to read that they played well. Buy a proper scrumhalf (and flyhalf) and maybe I’ll be a fan again next season.

Australia v Lions

I’ve been surprised by how close this series has been, the Lions should be romping home every week against a disorganised, injury-struck, average Australian team.

Imagine if a Tri-Nations team toured the UK. Sh1t, if a combined Sanzar XV played Scotland you’d need a bigger scoreboard.

Commentator Miles Harrison has taken hyperbole too far. “That was one of the great Lions tries!”, “That was one of the greatest tackles in Lions history!” and “That conversion by Lealiifano was the greatest kick ever by anyone, in all sports and of all time!”

14 out of 15 Springboks are fat

According to the World Health Organisation (WHO) these are the body mass index (BMI) categories for your average adult human:

• Underweight: < 18.5
• Normal: 18.5 – 24.9
• Overweight: 25 – 29.9
• Obese: > 30

It’s a personal bugbear of mine that for all my adult life I have been labelled Obese by personal trainers and even medical professionals who can just about manage to plug weight(kg) / height(m)² into their pocket-sized calculators.

So I set out to make myself feel better by calculating the current Springbok side’s BMIs.

Name	Stats	BMI	Classification
Willie le Roux	186cm, 90kg	26	FAT
Bryan Habana	180cm, 94kg	29	FAT
JJ Engelbrecht	190cm, 94kg	26	FAT
Jean de Villiers	190cm, 100kg	27.7	FAT
Bjorn Basson	185cm, 84kg	24.5	NORMAL
Morne Steyn	184cm, 91kg	26.9	FAT
Ruan Pienaar	187cm, 92kg	26.3	FAT
Pierre Spies	194cm, 108kg	28.7	FAT
Willem Alberts	192cm, 120kg	32.6	ORCA FAT
Francois Louw	190cm 114kg	31.6	ORCA FAT
Flip van der Merwe	198cm, 120kg	30.6	ORCA FAT
Eben Etzebeth	203cm, 117kg	28.4	FAT
Jannie du Plessis	188cm, 120kg	34	ORCA FAT
Adriaan Strauss	184cm, 111kg	32.8	ORCA FAT
Tendai Mtawarira	188cm, 120kg	34	ORCA FAT

As we can see, the forwards are still the fatties, but BMI says so are the backs. Except skinny Basson who has the unfortunate honour of being labelled Normal.

So take BMI with a pinch of salt (but not too much, because half of medical professionals think salt is bad) and focus on living a healthy, active lifestyle with no calculators.

Disclaimer: Andrew knows BMI is a simple index and doesn’t really apply to certain extreme body types (very short, very tall, very muscular, very etc). But Andrew thinks that for precisely this reason (too many exceptions) BMI should not be considered a standard indicator and personal trainers in particular should have their calculators confiscated. Andrew also acknowledges he could lose a bit of weight.